turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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