I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
