I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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