Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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