Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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