Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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