Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
