Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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