i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize