I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
