its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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