i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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