giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
