I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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