i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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