I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
