Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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