Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
