Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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