Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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