I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
