I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
