Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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