Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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