I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
