My room smells like vodka and shame
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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