I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
