we're chasing vodka with high fives
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
