I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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