Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
