Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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