Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
