Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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