Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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