You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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