I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
