Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
