Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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