Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
