Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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