Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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