I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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