My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So squirting runs in the family.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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