Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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