So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
