now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
