So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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