do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
