So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
