checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize