Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
