what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Randomize
