dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize