My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
