I'm eating all of the evidence.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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