Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
