my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
