forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
