I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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