Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
