Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
