Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
