I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
