...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
