now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
