i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
